Disillusionment

We're back for another sporadic installment of ennui and emo bullshit! This time, it's... I won't say caused, but triggered may be a better word... triggered by an internet rando being a douche. I know, utterly shocking. But this shit gets to me. It always has. I'm sure it always will... and I'm not entirely convinced it's a bad thing? How fucked is that. 

Because like... it's easy to not give a shit. It's less painful, too. I'm not... I was about to say I'm not surprised when people suck, but the truth is, I am. Most of the time it takes me off-guard when someone's an asshole for no reason. I'm old enough that no one really calls me young anymore, but not so old that there aren't plenty of people in my life who scoff when I call myself old. Either way, I've been around the sun a few dozen times with some change to spare, so I shouldn't be surprised at how utterly shitty people can be. And like, I'm not... in broad, general terms. I still get caught off guard whenever I come across it in the wild, though. When I see it happen, either to me or someone else. And I take it personally. 

I'm not the kindest person, not by a long shot. I can't be bothered to go out of my way to help most folks, and I don't make a point of brightening people's day. My default mode is sarcastic in a way that some people find mean, though it's not my intent. Because what I can say about myself is that I take pains to not hurt people, inconvenience them in any way, if I can. Caveats being, of course, that I will make some effort to inconvenience or annoy people who deserve it, usually because they're cruel without provocation. But even then, half the time I live by the philosophy that avoidance is better than vengeance.

An example that's always ready at mind is traffic. I can forgive accidents, and even inattention, but what gets me every time is inconsideration. Cutting someone off, deliberately, tail-gating, failure to use turn signals, taking advantage, all that pisses me off. Admittedly I'm more likely to notice when it's me, but it's happened plenty of time to other folks and gotten me just as angry... and I'm not perfect there. I've cut people off or not looked before I changed lanes... but I make an effort not to be that guy. If it's reasonable to let someone in front of me, I will. If I can get out of people's way, I will. I make a solid effort every day to not put anyone else out for minor (or often no) gain for myself, even putting myself out to make someone else's life a smidge easier... and I carry that same attitude in all aspects of my life.

If I can't always make someone's life easier, I can at least do my best not to make anyone else's life worse. 

So that's why shit like tonight feels so... personal. I don't care about that person, and I don't expect them to care about me. But I also feel like neither one of us has to care in order to just be decent. Decency is the bare minimum, so I feel so incensed when I come across someone who can't even do that.

The gist is as trite and stupid as it sounds: Someone was mean and now my day is ruined. I will survive it; I've survived a lot worse, and this will be barely a blip on the radar, but fuck man. Why do I have to? Why can't we just be decent to each other? Think how good the world could be if we just treated other people as worthy of respect and dignity, even if it costs us a little extra effort? Just tiny bits of decency, but multiplied through all the moments of every day, by all the people in the world, and it could be something truly amazing.