Bah, Humbug.

 I love Christmas. I always have. I love the traditions, the tree, decorations, stockings, Christmas dinner, family gatherings. I love presents, getting and giving. I love old classic Christmas movies and Christmas music. I love driving around on Christmas Eve looking at Christmas lights while drinking hot cocoa. I love the one present on Christmas Eve, and then sneaking out to put things in stockings. I love the anticipation of sneaking around with gifts, while trying not to find my own.

I mean... At least I used to. 

This isn't sudden. Not really. Christmas has gotten harder as the kids have gotten older. I think it probably started to get hard when it got to be too much to go home for Christmas. It was a lot easier to enjoy the Christmas traditions when there were all of the people who always made it special. And even at first, it wasn't bad to spend Christmas with just my immediate family, my wife and my kids. We'd send off gifts to other family, and we'd get videos, or phone calls or pictures when they opened their gifts, and it was... nice. Not quite as good as being there, but it was still good. 

But kids get older, and traditions stop being as appreciated. No one cares about the Christmas lights tradition except me, though my wife really tries, because she knew it was important to me. But... I want it to be important to my kids, the way it was important to me growing up, and it's just not. My youngest makes decorating and setting up a tree such an ordeal, so we've done it closer and closer to Christmas the last few years. The wife really wants to decorate, and I want to want to, for her. But more than wanting to be in the spirit for her, I really just want to avoid fighting over decorations and destruction of decorations. 

With money being so tight, it's even worse. I've honestly always been terrible about gift shopping. I've always got the best of intentions, but it always falls by the wayside, and I end up shopping a day or two before Christmas for the wife, and leaving 90% of the shopping for others to her. I feel bad about it, but She enjoys it to an extent, and I always feel like I'm running behind on everything. Now, it's even worse though; She usually loves to get gifts, and drops hints, but even she's just like "Don't buy me anything this year." I know she doesn't mean it, but she's trying to be fiscally responsible (at least with this; her compulsive Amazon spending isn't going to stop) and it fucking hurts to let her be. While I was always a last minute shopper, I've always been pretty good about getting gifts that work; sometimes they're teary-eyed good, but at least they're usually appreciated. 

This year, I just want to say fuck it to all of it, though. No tree, no dinner, no presents. I won't... But god, do I want to. The money is only a part of it, though admittedly a significant part; but I gave the wife a budget and she's done pretty good within it; I just need to do her gifts and grab a couple bits of digital cash for the boys. All the while, the credit card debt grows ever larger, inexorably.

Some of it is just this fucking year. Normally Christmas and New Years are times for looking forward, but I see nothing but bleakness in our future. We somehow elected a fucking fascist, and he's already doing damage even though he hasn't even taken office yet. Everything is going to get so much worse, and I don't have any hope for the future.

Another, bigger part is the knock-on effects. So many members of my fucking family voted for the fascist. No, they voted for the convicted felon, the rapist, the racist, Nazi-loving, dictator-admiring, failed businessman con man who has done nothing but give the grossest, slimiest parts of our society permission to come out of hiding and stand proud in their hatred. He's told all of us time and time again who he is, and they fucking voted for him. As such, I'm done with them... and they are what has made Christmas so special in the past. Not that I could afford to go visit, but even if I could, I wouldn't fucking want to. They've tainted all of those memories. They've taken a shit on the magic of Christmas. 

I am just so tired. It's not even really all about Christmas. It's everything. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be a provider, caregiver, father, husband anymore. I love my family more than anything, and I wouldn't ever want to lose them, but I just don't want to do it anymore. I feel like I fail to measure up to any standard; society's, my own, my family's. I guess my co-workers appreciate me, but even there I feel like I'm going to slip and they're all going to realize I was faking it all along... and then the last thing I'm barely scraping by at, the thing that I'm only failing a little bit about, will be gone, too. 

Another part, on par with finances, possibly more, is my kids. I love my kids. I want nothing but the best for them in life... but I'm not sure how much I like my kids. I'm not sure I'm proud of them, or respect them. How shitty is that? That should be every parent's goal... that their kids be happy, healthy and to be proud of them. My eldest is... frankly, an asshole. He's selfish, self-absorbed, way beyond what it means to be a teenager. He's a solid case for why people often mistake autism for narcissism. My second son is a good kid, with perhaps an extra helping of teenager, but he's staunchly religious in the bad sense; in that he takes the worst parts of being Christian, ignores or deprecates the good parts. He's a good kid despite his religion, but he takes it so seriously that I'm afraid he's going to lose the good part. My youngest son is also a good kid, but he's just so damned careless, and he makes weaponized incompetence into a full-time job. I'm not really worried that he'll turn out to be a bad person, but I am worried that he won't be a self-sufficient one, or a successful one because he doesn't like to push himself in any way.

Then there's my youngest, my daughter. So much of the stress in our life comes from her. She's non-verbal, destructive, self-harming and violent at times. She requires constant supervision all hours that she's awake; when we get complacent, we end up regretting it. We love her to death, but she makes our lives harder in ways that none of my other children ever have, and moreso than all three of them combined.

When I look back on the happy memories of Christmas, it was when I was a kid, and the sense of connection I felt with my family... but when I look at my kids, I don't feel that sense of connection and joy. I love them, and for all of my bitching they have made my life infinitely richer... but here lately, I just don't want to be a dad anymore... at least for a little while.

I should probably talk to someone about all of this. It may be actual depression. But who can I talk to? Therapy costs money I don't have to spend, and if anyone needs it, my wife does before I do. I'll be fine; Not good, but fine. I can't talk to her; she's made it clear in a hundred ways that she's not ready to be the rock for me, though it'd hurt her feelings if I were to ever say that to her. I've rehearsed what I'd say so many times, but I realize I never can. 

Tonight I told her I didn't want to do the turkey for Christmas. I know she's not really up to it as she's still recovering from a procedure, and we threw half of the Thanksgiving bird away, and no one really seemed to appreciate the effort it took... and she seemed annoyed. If we'd paid for it, I would be too, but we got it for free; giving it away won't cost us anything extra, though I guess we do have to figure out what to do instead. But I used this as a way to test the waters, and it made me pull my toe out pretty quick. She's asked since then if I'm okay, but I know that if I were to open up about how I'm feeling, she'd take it the wrong way somehow. She already thinks I'm tired because of her surgery, but it's not that at all. I'm just... so fucking tired of living like this.

I'm also tired of feeling terrible about it. I feel guilty, like a bad person, a bad father, husband, employee, provider, partner, friend. I feel like I'm failing everything and everyone in my life to some extent, and I feel guilty for not wanting to do it anymore. These are all the main things that give my life meaning and purpose and direction, and I just want to quit, walk away. 

I don't know how to end this. I have no sum-up, no epiphany, no point I need to address or prove. I'm just tired, hating that it's Christmas, hating myself, and I don't think any of it is going to get better any time soon.